Former Muckraker sympathizer-turned-D-League lead investigator Jerry Micco announced the findings of his study, and needless to say, the ‘Rakers are in some deep, squishy and stinky doo-doo.“It has come to my attention,” intoned Micco from the press room at PNC Park in Pittsburgh, “that several Muckrakers have used a life-enhancing substance known as B.E.E.R. (Beverage Everybody Enjoys Regularly). Some Muckrakers have been seen using B.E.E.R. just before their scheduled ballgames. Other Muckrakers have been observed using this known life-enhancing substance in parking lots after ballgames, knowingly, openly, and without shame.
“No Muckrakers have yet been reported to have used B.E.E.R. during their games, but we cannot stress highly enough that we are in the opening days of our investigation and we are still in the process of obtaining more data and information, not to mention facts, evidence and even factoids and trivia,” noted Micco, who was very careful not to drop a single F-bomb during the entire press conference.
Former Muckraker Bob Leal, author of the best-selling book “The Juicer: You’re Damn Right I Enhanced My Lifestyle,” was disappointed the Micco Report did not name enough names.
“Matty and I did B.E.E.R. before games on several occasions,” alleged Leal, leaning in from a barstool at his favorite Palm Springs watering hole. “I did B.E.E.R. with just about all the Muckrakers at one time or another. You bet your ass I did. Hey, does anybody have DeLoach’s phone number? I think I lost it.”
Joe DeLoach comes under close scrutiny in the Micco Report. On many occasions the ‘Raker confidant is alleged to have supplied life-enhancing substances to the team. However, citing a lack of Porti-Potties and an anti-Red Wing bias, DeLoach refused to cooperate with Micco Report investigators.
Likewise, many of the Muckrakers avoided Micco Report investigation. Outfielder Luke Abbott even fled the country, high-tailing it to a secret hideout somewhere in Australia.
Muckrakers manager Chris Wagnon stated he was “shocked” by the report, and especially by charges that he organized postgame gatherings where life-enhancing agents were taken.
Wagnon acknowledged the postgame activities but said they were “morale-boosting sessions. If anything illegal was going on, I didn’t know about it.”
A check of Concord police reports acknowledged that although contact has been made with the Muckrakers on more than one occasion, no arrests have been made. Yet.
Contacted by Micco Report investigators, aging right-hander Dave Taxier attempted a variety of strategies to avoid responsibility.
At first, he went all Bonds.
“I might have used B.E.E.R.,” said the weasely Taxier, “but I didn’t know for sure it was B.E.E.R. I thought it was Sprite.”
When that didn’t work he went all Giambi.
“I’m not going to say what I did, but if I did it, I apologize,” blubbered a weeping Taxier. “I realize I’m a role model for all the little Muckrakers, and I let them down. Anybody see the bottle-opener?”
And when that didn’t go well, he opted for the route of his role model, counterpart aging right-hander Roger Clemens.
“I’d like to play this tape of my phone conversation with Lefty,” said Taxier at his press conference in Walnut Creek.
A transcription of the tape: “Lefty, why why WHY aren’t you having your party????? All I want is the truth ..... just gimme some truth.”
Onward the Micco Report goes, and where it stops, only Concord D-League knows.
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