Ravings of a SoCal columnist

By J.T. Slimers
Special to the blog
I was lounging at home, having a great time contemplating the greatness of USC football, and I knew the tranquillity wouldn’t last. Sure enough, the Old Lady spoke up with a laundry list of errands a mile long she wanted me to complete. Fat chance of that happening. The close call was followed by an appearance by the Grocery Store Bagger, who asked me to spot him $10. Hey, who do I look like, the Boston Parking Lot Attendant?

So to escape the insanity, I hurried out to Muckrakers headquarters. Surely there I could find some signs of life with intelligence levels above room temperature.

The first person I see there is Muckrakers manager Chris Wagnon, who started out pleasant but turned surly in no time. All I did was ask him why he made so many stupid moves in the middle of every Muckrakers game, thus causing another dreary defeat.

“Listen, Slimers,” said the aggrieved Macro Manager, “you deal with the egos I have to deal with and see how you like it. I mean, I have to deal with players so foul even Don Peterson would explode. Those who can, do, and those who can’t write about it. Whattaya think of that, Slimers?”

What a load of fun dealing with Macro Manager was. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I ran into Muckrakers GM Dave Taxier. If Paul DePodesta is the Dodgers’ Boy Genius, I guess that makes Tax the Muckrakers’ Old Guy Genius.

Some genius. Tax quickly became irritated as well, and all because I asked him one silly question: “If you’re picking all the players, is that why they lose every game?”

“Listen, Slimers,” Tax exploded. “If you can do a better job picking players than I can, you go right ahead. And good luck working through the Walnut Creek bureaucracy. I’m outa here.”

Just then I ran into Peterson, who isn’t on the Muckrakers roster but as I understand it is some sort of role model to the team. Nice role model. Just because I asked him why Cal’s women’s basketball program was so awful year after year, he immediately got all huffy.

“Hey Slimers,” roared Peterson, the blood veins popping from his neck, “Rip Cal if you want, but you’ll be singing a different story when the Bears destroy USC in football.”

Boy, are these guys sensitive. I guess going 0-12 will do that to you.

The final word is from J. Romero from Piedmont, who writes: “Hey Slimers, take your Kobe-hating, Dodgers-hating self and get out of town.”

Since we’re already hundreds of miles apart I think I’ll stay put.